Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
