u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
