Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
