if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
