Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
