I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Too much gin, very little bucket
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
