Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
