so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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