she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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