worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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