Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
