Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize