somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
