dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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