I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
