I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
