I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
