My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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