Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I believe in your delicious
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
