so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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