it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
