My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
