how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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