1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
