and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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