sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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