Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
