Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
