I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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