My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
