rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
