it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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