While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
