sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
