My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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