i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
