There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
