at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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