I just pynch a tree in the face
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
