I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize