the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
