Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We talked him into tasing himself.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
