u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
