She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
