Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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