it's not cheating when I paid for it
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
