Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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