i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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