I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
