I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
