the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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