A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You have to summon your inner elephant
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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