She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
