Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
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