and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
