It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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