Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Don't make out with my wife yet
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
