Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
