I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize