it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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