I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
