First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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