Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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