you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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